REINVENTING A CONTROL FREAK

I am a control freak…or at least I used to be. 

Whatever discipline, effort and commitment didn’t occur in me naturally was conditioned by the process of medical training.  You would be hard-pressed to find a physician without some control issues. 

When I decided to stop practicing medicine I tried to embrace being more carefree.  In reality, my time as a free spirit was more like a vacation.  It was nice to visit, but I wasn’t comfortable living there.

My personality is suited for schedules, lists and checkboxes.  I quit practicing medicine, but I didn’t stop being the person who became a physician. 

My naturally diligent tendencies have served me well in the past.  They can continue to do so in the future.  Here’s what I have learned so far.

I am very determined.  Once I decide to do something I am exceptionally good at powering through and staying on task.  

Many people think the most common characteristic among doctors is intelligence.  In fact, it is a scary level of determination. 

There is a drawback to this type of determination for me.  It can lead to feeling stuck when I’m trying to figure out my next step.  My resolve to follow through on my decisions ends up putting too much importance on every single one. 

My determination has sustained me through some difficult times in the past.  The first sign of a challenge does not send me running away from something I really want. 

However, I’ve had to learn not to be paralyzed by the prospect of being wrong about where to apply that dedication.

I like having a plan.  It is logistically simpler to be determined if one has an explicit plan. 

Medical training was nice for that.  Everything had a delineated order starting with the MCAT and ending at the first job after residency or fellowship.  All I had to do was keep my focus on the end goal.    

Unfortunately, having such tunnel vision can prevent recognition of when it is time to bail.  It doesn’t allow for alternative options if the original plan is in total conflict with my spirit. 

It also blunts creativity if I just want to switch things up a bit.

Nowadays I still prefer to work with a plan.  Having one helps me feel secure, even if it is just a framework from which to freestyle. 

However, this plan is always subject to revision when it makes sense in my spirit to do so. 

I like doing things my way.  My methods have been pretty effective at generating positive results for me over the years.  

I do not force my way of doing things on others.  I just stick with what I think works best for me. 

This becomes problematic when others offer me unsolicited advice.  It is hard for me to accept it since I don’t have the same data on their outcomes as I have on mine. 

I’m also less inclined to take suggestions that seem more self-serving to the tipster than beneficial to me.  Although, I’ve learned there is some merit in recommendations derived with no consideration of my point of view. 

When it comes to getting tasks accomplished, my perspective has served me well.  However, there are areas of my life that are more about being than doing.  These have benefitted from an outsider’s take. 

Several times I only took a new approach to my own well-being because someone else pointed out how crazy my way was.  

My way is good, but not perfect.

I take responsibility.  I always consider the repercussions my decisions have on other people. 

Even if negative consequences are unintended, I always take stock of what my actions may have done to precipitate them.  Similarly, I also think about how my inaction may have caused undesired outcomes. 

This can get a bit heavy on the head.  It was particularly burdensome when I was practicing medicine. 

Responsibility can be an inconvenience but it shouldn’t be oppressive.

Also, taking control of certain situations may rob others of the opportunity to step into the fullness of their capabilities.  The greatest good is rarely served by stifling the maturation process of another.

I believe it is good to be a responsible, caring adult.  People know they can trust and depend on you. 

However, I have to remember my part in any result, good or bad, is usually not as great as I take credit for.  I am not God.

These days I prefer to consider myself conscientious rather than a control freak.  The same qualities that made me feel restricted in the past have been reimagined to support my unique Divine purpose. 

Now my life is not about being in control, but rather discerning how to use my God-given traits to maintain my authentic joy and peace.