BE STILL AND JUST BE

Sometimes I just need a little time to be.  Spending time being still centers me.  Whether it is called quiet time or meditation it is good for my soul. 

Many of us rush around so much we don’t take moments to be at one with ourselves and our surroundings. 

This is why yoga used to stress me out.  There was so much quiet and deep breathing.  I had no patience for all that. 

The stretching was nice but the perceived edict to be calm had the effect of making me tense.  I didn’t realize the fact I couldn’t stop my brain from racing was a clear sign I needed a mental time out.

Now I’ve recognized how important quiet time is.  I specifically set aside time for it. 

This time is distinct from Bible reading, journaling and exercise.  Those activities help me disconnect from some of life’s daily drama, but my mind isn’t able to completely release.

There is a level of conscious alertness that must be maintained to read, write or dodge cyclists on a path.  It’s not simply being in the way I need in order to clear my mind.

It is my experience that emptying my consciousness of everything can have two results.

When I am living life on purpose, setting my mind free takes me to a better place than I started.  I trust my spirit to do its thing, and I end up getting more clarity on how to sustain my wellness.

Wonderful things can happen in that stillness.  Sometimes there are powerful epiphanies.  Other times it is just a chance to marvel at how awesome the world is when I’m not messing with it.

However when I am ignoring my authentic truth, my spirit tells me about myself when I give it that opening to share.  I am forced to acknowledge the parts of my life that are clearly not on purpose for me.  It is still powerful, but it’s not necessarily the happiness and light one associates with meditation.

Back when I gave no thought to living on purpose, I saved up all my reflection time for vacations.  I knew it wouldn’t be fun and I didn’t want all that angst disrupting my normal day-to-day activities.   

If I got super bummed out on vacation, I could counter it with a day of skiing, hiking or sitting on a beach.  It kept me functioning but hardly thriving.

Nowadays, I’m not adherent to any particular meditation technique.  Over time, I’ve learned how to empty my mind, relax and tune into my spirit regardless of the environment.  

The change came when I got to a place where I trusted the truth that comes out of the stillness.  I no longer have to be on the defensive against what will happen when I go there.  Even if I don’t love it at the time, I know it is my truth and meant to keep me in line with my purpose.

The beauty of my life these days is striving for a consistent sense of well-being.  This keeps me from being afraid to sense my being.  I find comfort in stillness because it keeps me true to myself. 

I urge you to give it a try.  See where your spirit takes you when you let it lead.  Take a few minutes to be still and just be.

HOW DO YOU RELATE?

It seems I am supposed to be learning something about improving my personal interactions this month of May.  

My pastor is in the middle of a teaching series about practical ways to have better relationships. 

One of my coaching colleagues has been offering weekly challenges based on the life area of relationship.  

I personally chose to do a meditation on Romans 12.  This chapter of the Bible is all about how those of us who claim to love God are supposed to behave, particularly towards one another. 

All of this has made me think deeply about how I treat others and how I want to be treated in return.  I had planned to write something about what I’ve been learning in this week’s blog…then Maya Angelou died. 

As I read tributes to her and saw her quotes posted all over the internet, I realized Dr. Angelou had already said a lot of what I was thinking.  

There is no question her life experiences rendered her much wiser than I.  It seemed to me that sharing her thoughts on relationships would be more fitting right now.  

Here are some of my favorite quotes from this phenomenal woman about how to treat one another:

“I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”

“While I know myself as a creation of God, I am also obligated to realize and remember that everyone else and everything else are also God's creation.”

“Try to be a rainbow in someone's cloud.”

“If you have only one smile in you, give it to the people you love.”

“If you find it in your heart to care for somebody else, you will have succeeded.”

“Love recognizes no barriers. It jumps hurdles, leaps fences, penetrates walls to arrive at its destination full of hope.”

CHECK YOUR VISION

A lot of us are stymied in life by a lack of vision.  This manifests as flawed present and/or future vision.  Faulty present vision prevents us from clearly seeing what is actually occurring around us.  Lack of future vision makes us unable to conjure a different reality than the one we are living.  Both of these are problematic.

I like to think of myself as hopeful.  When I was unhappy during medical training, I kept believing everything would get better at the next stop.  I clearly saw that where I was didn’t fit my ideal, but I was assured by everyone it was coming around the bend. 

When I got into private practice, my present vision became clouded.  This was supposed to be the end point where all the dissatisfaction of training gave way to contentment.  When this obviously was not the case, I tried to convince myself the present wasn’t that bad.  

I was effectively putting scales on my eyes.  I needed to make the current situation seem better than it was because I couldn’t conceive of how to improve it.  My lack of future vision affected my present visual acuity.

We all do this on some level as a survival mechanism.  I totally get that.  However, it tends only to work short-term.  Eventually our spirits rip the blinders off and show us clearly, “This is some nonsense right here!”

We are forced to acknowledge that where we are is not good.  This is when the vision of a better future has to kick in.  And this is where a lot of us stall.  We make no change and complain about being in the same rut. 

We allow fear to keep us from dreaming of that best case scenario.  It seems impossible or unrealistic or too simple. 

For some of us, if the first place we see something is in our own minds we don’t feel it is valid.  We have to understand that just because we have never seen it in the real world doesn’t make it unachievable.

When I left medicine I knew I needed a new vision.  Eventually, I learned to expand my mind to the possibilities available to me in all aspects of my life.  This took some time and help from others. 

Rather than trying to fit myself into some pre-fabricated scenario, I learned to pick and choose what works for me to make the life I want.  I like what I see in my present and I am excited for what is coming in the future.

So, how’s your vision?

REINVENTING A CONTROL FREAK

I am a control freak…or at least I used to be. 

Whatever discipline, effort and commitment didn’t occur in me naturally was conditioned by the process of medical training.  You would be hard-pressed to find a physician without some control issues. 

When I decided to stop practicing medicine I tried to embrace being more carefree.  In reality, my time as a free spirit was more like a vacation.  It was nice to visit, but I wasn’t comfortable living there.

My personality is suited for schedules, lists and checkboxes.  I quit practicing medicine, but I didn’t stop being the person who became a physician. 

My naturally diligent tendencies have served me well in the past.  They can continue to do so in the future.  Here’s what I have learned so far.

I am very determined.  Once I decide to do something I am exceptionally good at powering through and staying on task.  

Many people think the most common characteristic among doctors is intelligence.  In fact, it is a scary level of determination. 

There is a drawback to this type of determination for me.  It can lead to feeling stuck when I’m trying to figure out my next step.  My resolve to follow through on my decisions ends up putting too much importance on every single one. 

My determination has sustained me through some difficult times in the past.  The first sign of a challenge does not send me running away from something I really want. 

However, I’ve had to learn not to be paralyzed by the prospect of being wrong about where to apply that dedication.

I like having a plan.  It is logistically simpler to be determined if one has an explicit plan. 

Medical training was nice for that.  Everything had a delineated order starting with the MCAT and ending at the first job after residency or fellowship.  All I had to do was keep my focus on the end goal.    

Unfortunately, having such tunnel vision can prevent recognition of when it is time to bail.  It doesn’t allow for alternative options if the original plan is in total conflict with my spirit. 

It also blunts creativity if I just want to switch things up a bit.

Nowadays I still prefer to work with a plan.  Having one helps me feel secure, even if it is just a framework from which to freestyle. 

However, this plan is always subject to revision when it makes sense in my spirit to do so. 

I like doing things my way.  My methods have been pretty effective at generating positive results for me over the years.  

I do not force my way of doing things on others.  I just stick with what I think works best for me. 

This becomes problematic when others offer me unsolicited advice.  It is hard for me to accept it since I don’t have the same data on their outcomes as I have on mine. 

I’m also less inclined to take suggestions that seem more self-serving to the tipster than beneficial to me.  Although, I’ve learned there is some merit in recommendations derived with no consideration of my point of view. 

When it comes to getting tasks accomplished, my perspective has served me well.  However, there are areas of my life that are more about being than doing.  These have benefitted from an outsider’s take. 

Several times I only took a new approach to my own well-being because someone else pointed out how crazy my way was.  

My way is good, but not perfect.

I take responsibility.  I always consider the repercussions my decisions have on other people. 

Even if negative consequences are unintended, I always take stock of what my actions may have done to precipitate them.  Similarly, I also think about how my inaction may have caused undesired outcomes. 

This can get a bit heavy on the head.  It was particularly burdensome when I was practicing medicine. 

Responsibility can be an inconvenience but it shouldn’t be oppressive.

Also, taking control of certain situations may rob others of the opportunity to step into the fullness of their capabilities.  The greatest good is rarely served by stifling the maturation process of another.

I believe it is good to be a responsible, caring adult.  People know they can trust and depend on you. 

However, I have to remember my part in any result, good or bad, is usually not as great as I take credit for.  I am not God.

These days I prefer to consider myself conscientious rather than a control freak.  The same qualities that made me feel restricted in the past have been reimagined to support my unique Divine purpose. 

Now my life is not about being in control, but rather discerning how to use my God-given traits to maintain my authentic joy and peace.

WISH VS. DESIRE

What do you want?

I am a fan of semantics.  I believe in using the proper words to convey the intended meaning.  One word whose true meaning befuddles me is want.  The Merriam-Webster definition of the word want is - “have a desire to possess or do (something); wish for.”

Personally, I’ve always used want in the pre-semi-colon denotation.  If I want something, I have a desire for it.  That desire is expressed by effort on my part to obtain it. 

It seems we as a society use the definition after the semi-colon more often.  When folks say "I want" they mean "I wish I could have".  It’s a subtle distinction but it makes all the difference in how successful we are at getting what we want.  

As a life coach and personal trainer, I hear people say they want to have a better job, to be better managing their money, or to be in better shape.  Many times, in reality, they wish for those things because they recognize they could be beneficial. 

There is not actually a real desire to make these things happen.   This is why the choices they make can seem inconsistent with what they claim to want. 

One complicating factor is not wanting what we think we want.  We focus on a red herring instead of what we actually desire.  Then, we aren’t pleased when we get what we wanted. 

Having struggled with this issue myself, I enjoy helping people clarify what it is they truly want in order to figure out how to achieve it.  Everyone is unique but there are some general truths about fulfilling one’s true desires.

Desire is just the first step.  Eventually we have to take action to achieve what we want.  

We don’t always take children seriously when they claim to want something.  This is because we know kids are apt to think verbalizing a desire is all that is required to get what they want.  They don’t realize there is work necessary to satisfy a wish.  

As adults we know action must be taken to get something worthwhile. 

It is possible to stroll pleasantly along in life without much effort.  However, that type of unintentional living leads to a place that is fine, but not particularly fulfilling.  Getting something we truly want usually involves combining desire with purposeful actions. 

We will probably have to give up something we like to get what we want. One of the difficult parts of being mature adults is recognizing we may not be able to have everything we want at the same time. 

This is not to say we have to sacrifice everything we enjoy for the sake of one goal. 

However, the morning mocha latte may have to be swapped for home-brewed coffee while credit card balances get paid down.  Cupcakes may have to be put on hold in order to get the body fat percentage under control. 

We have to establish priorities.  Even if it is only short-term, some discipline is required to get what we want.

Everything we have to do to get what we want is not going to be fun. Gaining proficiency is somewhat humbling on the front end. 

When we were in grade school learning to play instruments or to speak foreign languages we expected to stumble over those first scales or mangle the conjugation of some verbs. 

Somehow once we become adults we forget about the learning curve.  We figure we should be immune to having to struggle to do anything we want because we have already acquired so many other abilities. 

Learning to manage money or to establish a consistent workout schedule is a new and challenging skill for some of us.  Getting better means sticking with it.  Commitment is what carries us through the moments that aren’t so fun.

Getting what we want is awesome.  It is remarkably satisfying when effort, discipline and commitment get us what we really want. 

We often put limitations on what we want because we worry the up-front investment isn’t going to pay off.  This is where faith comes in. 

We have to believe in ourselves and our capabilities to get what we want.  We also have to trust what we are striving to achieve has value.  When we do and it all works out, it is amazing.

Now think about it again…what do you really want?

IDENTITY CRISIS

I spent the vast majority of my life wanting to be, training to be, then working as a physician.  This made it very difficult to separate who I am from what I do when I stopped practicing medicine.  The struggle was especially great since I had no particular new identity to embrace at the time.  The doctor mantle never fit quite right but it least it gave me covering.  Now I had to go out and define myself.

Leaving medicine the way that I did presented another interesting situation.  People thought of me as this brave person.  However, I never felt I lived up to the cool courageous woman people conjure when they hear my story.  Brave people do things that scare them.  I wasn’t scared.  I just didn’t want to be miserable anymore.  Quitting medicine seemed to me like a common sense decision more than an act of valor.  I was pretty sure the brave persona was not going to work for me either.

Eventually I accepted my identity comes from within, not what others think of me.  Once I determined what was important to me, the rest was about being true to that.  How other people perceive it tends to be as much a factor of what they need to see in me as what I am exhibiting.  Figuring myself out is a never-ending process but here are some general principles I’ve learned so far.

The key is to be genuine.  Regardless of circumstances, my life tends to stay on the rails when I am honest with myself.  At my basic level, I love God, I love exercise, and I love helping people.  I love God because He loves me in a way that models how I should love others.  I love exercise to relieve stress and stay fit.  I love helping people to feel useful and of service.  These core aspects of my life combine to allow me to like who I am and how I treat other people.  The best version of me will always involve a manifestation of all these whether it is as a physician, a wellness consultant or some profession to be named later.  Neglecting any one of them would be creating a false identity for me.  It is important to figure out what is essential to being you.

Don’t be what someone else thinks you should be.  Many well-meaning, yet misguided, people offered me suggestions on everything from how to remain in medicine to how to build my wellness business.  They didn’t necessarily value what I value, so their ideas didn’t really apply to me.  Trying to conform to what other people think is best for you means being defined by external influences instead of your own heart.  It only leads to frustration and resentment for all involved.  Being a better version of yourself may require some adjustments in the way you do things.  However, improving yourself never means losing the essence of what it means to be you.  If that is happening, it’s not really a better you. 

Don’t be afraid of what you can be.  One challenge I faced in forging my new identity is distinguishing whether it was lack of interest or fear keeping me from trying something different.  Especially for those of us who have charted out our lives since our teens, it is natural to be nervous about the unknown.  However, fear should not be the only thing holding you back.  This is where being responsive to your intuition is important.  For instance, I don’t run marathons because I have no desire to run for more than one hour, not because I don’t think I am capable.  On the other hand, I started my own business.  It is a completely novel and challenging experience, but it does not frighten me because it is in line with my authentic self.

Stay close to the people who love you regardless of your identity.  One thing that has become evident to me through all this is who is in my corner.  Someone asked me recently if my family supported my decision to leave medicine.  The best way to explain it is they gave me space to determine what I need without judgment.  I am very fortunate.  My family and closest friends don’t totally get what I am doing, but they know I am happier than I used to be.  They are concerned about my welfare but never push me to do anything or be anything I am not comfortable being.  They trust me and my process to lead me where I need to be.  Whether it is changing careers, ending a relationship or starting a new fitness regimen, sometimes you just need someone to be kind to you while you define it for yourself. 

I still don’t have a succinct answer for my new identity.  That pleases me.  It means I am not letting myself be put into a box.  Like every human being I am a complex individual who manifests differently to different people.  What is important to me is that through whatever lens people view me, they see truth.  That is the most anyone can ask.

LESSONS FROM MY CONVALESCENCE (AKA NEW YEAR NEW UTERUS)

By nature I am not an oversharer.  If anything I tend to keep my personal business completely to myself.  However, I do not feel I can adequately convey the message I want to share without exposing myself a bit.  That is why I am about to put my medical history on blast all over the interwebs. 

In December I had major abdominal surgery to remove fibroids from my uterus.  Because I am an obstetrician-gynecologist by training, I knew way too much about what was going to happen. It was quite a challenge to not be “that patient”.  The one thing I requested was some sort of visual representation of what my diseased organ looked like.  Because we live in the 21st century and I had surgery at a hospital where I used to work, I was able to obtain an actual photo.  It surprised me how disturbed I was by the appearance of my pre-surgical uterus.  It was a nightmare! 

As I reflected on the fact I had strongly considered deferring surgery or not having it at all, I determined my uterus was a metaphor for my life.  I have a self-limiting habit of convincing myself horrible things are not that bad.  While staring at the photo of my fibroids I made a decision not to let that happen anymore.  In more ways than one 2014 was going to be New Year New Uterus.  Here is what the process of preparing for and recovering from that procedure taught me about being true to myself.

Sometimes you have to choose the best of all the bad times. As an independent contractor, taking a prolonged leave of absence from work is never an easy choice.  If I do not work, I do not get paid.  Unfortunately, there was not a way for me to receive appropriate treatment for my fibroids without taking at least one month off.  I had to pick a time, and December was the least bad.  In many areas of the life, there is not always going to be a good time to make a necessary move.  In fact, every change is going to come at a bad time for someone involved.  Waiting for the best time is one way we responsible types camouflage procrastination.  Sometimes we just have to make the hard choice now and allow everything to fall in place after that.

It can be tough in the immediate aftermath of a right decision. Every good decision does not reap immediate benefits.  For instance, I like to exercise.  The circumstances of my recovery were such that it was around two months before I got back to working out.  It only takes about two weeks for the body to lose fitness conditioning.  My first post-op run was one of the more uncomfortable workouts I have had in recent memory.  There was literally a burning sensation in my chest for the first five minutes of jogging.  It was a reminder I had made a decision for my overall health that caused a short-term negative impact on my conditioning.  I knew it was reversible, but it was quite awful in the moment.  The important thing is knowing I can work through it and get back to a comfortable level.  The new perspective I have on coming back to fitness from medical leave also helps me to be a better personal trainer.  Preventing a limited period of discomfort is not a legitimate excuse to avoid making the correct choices for our lives.  If we allow it, the education we get from those tough times only serves to improve us.

Ignoring obvious signs may be hampering your ability to fulfill your intended purpose.  By design the uterus is meant to be a womb that gestates offspring.  I did not have my surgery with the expressed intention of preparing my body for child-bearing.  However, finally treating my fibroid symptoms made my uterus a much less hostile environment for any embryo that may reside there in the future.  I have cared for plenty of women who had fibroids and babies without issues, but pregnancy tends to be easier when the uterine wall is not housing numerous golf balls.  Downplaying my medical signs and symptoms was just the latest in a lifetime of rationalizing bad feelings.  Ignoring the significance of those signs can keep us from moving on to the satisfying and fulfilling existence we are meant to have.

When you make a tough decision other people will be scared on your behalf.  In their own loving ways, lots of people expressed their nervousness about my potential for post-operative complications.  Of all the concerns I had with regard to my operation, medical misfortune was not particularly high on the list.   I was confident God had a plan that would work out for the best.   Since others’ worries were manifestations of their experiences not mine, I chose not to embrace them as my own.  It reminded me of when I decided to stop practicing medicine.  While I found the decision to be remarkably liberating, many people in my life were worried about all the impending badness.  I could sense them trying not to freak out as they mentally calculated how I would maintain my mortgage, my school loans, and my prestige without a “doctor job”.  I had to learn to respect their opinions but not be unduly influenced by them.  The fact I was not scared by an objectively scary situation helped me to know I was making the right call.  When we make choices that are honest and authentic, we can be fearless.

My motto for 2014 is “New Year New Uterus”.  I never want to allow myself to get to the old uterus state again so I keep a copy of it on my phone.  It is a reminder to me of what can happen if I maintain the status quo when a change needs to be made.  It is not always necessary to know exactly what the result of a decision will be.  The important thing is honoring the instinct to make the decision in the first place.  Here’s wishing you all NYNU!

Dear Stress, Let's Break Up

The Merriam-Webster dictionary defines stress as a physical, chemical, or emotional factor that causes bodily or mental tension and may be a factor in disease causation.  Most of us, particularly my fellow healthcare professionals, have an intimate knowledge of stress and do not need a formal definition.  Some level of stress has been our constant companion as we have acquired both formal and practical life education over the years.  Now that we have moved past school and training into the world of careers and parenthood, the sources of stress have changed but the level remains constant if not increased.  Since the reality of life stressors is not going away any time soon, the important thing is to learn techniques to deal with stress effectively.

Stress is not always a bad thing.  The body’s reaction to acute stress leads to what we know as the flight or fight response.  In the short term, this makes us more alert and prepared to take on necessary survival functions.  The type of stress that causes problems is chronic stress.  The same chemicals that allow one to be ready for oncoming danger in a crisis situation can cause a breakdown in the body’s maintenance activities when present for too long. 

Many times the effects of chronic stress are so insidious they are not recognized immediately.  Most of us are so perpetually wound up we do not realize this is not a healthy state of being until some medical professional indicates we have a hypertensive disorder.  The physical manifestations of stress can include headache, chest pain, fatigue, musculoskeletal pain, and dysfunction of the gastrointestinal tract.  The psychosocial ramifications can be sleep disturbance, anxiety, depression, irritability, rage, disordered eating, isolation behavior, lack of focus and substance abuse.  The best way to counter these effects is to identify sources of stress and develop methods to manage it.

The National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH) website suggests the following tips for coping with stress:

o   Note what you have accomplished at the end of the day rather than what you have been unable to do

o   Set priorities for what must get done now and what can wait

o   Recognize signs of your body’s response to stress

o   Stay in touch with supportive people (family, friends, community groups, religious organizations)

o   Avoid dwelling on problems

o   Look into stress coping programs

o   Have regularly scheduled healthy and relaxing activities

o   Exercise regularly

o   Get proper health care for existing or new health problems

o   Seek help from a qualified mental health professional if you feel overwhelmed and unable to cope without using drugs or alcohol

             

Managing stress is important part of being well.  Finding balance in life helps modify stress.  Work/life balance is a popular 21^st century phrase.  However, it implies there are only two aspects of being that need to be considered to achieve wellness.  It conjures the image of a scale where work has to be balanced with everything else on the other side.  True life balance involves putting work, kids, partners, finances, emotional health, physical health, and spirituality all in their proper places.  I think of it more like a hanging mobile where some items have to occupy a higher location or a larger space in order for everything to keep spinning.  Figuring out for ourselves where everything goes on that mobile is the first step in stress management and overall wellness.

Getting Your Mind RIght

This first month of the year is often full of people, myself included, sharing their thoughts on how to be more physically well by modifying physical activity and nutrition.  As January wraps up I’d like to dig deeper into a dimension of wellness that gets neglected a lot, emotional health.  Many people think not being in the midst of an emotional breakdown equates to emotional wellness.  Similarly, others believe taking prescription medications or seeing a mental health professional means their emotional wellness is covered.  The problem with both these ways of thinking is it can make you a passive participant in your own emotional well-being.  As any cardiologist can tell you, taking the meds and seeing a specialist will only take you so far if you don’t engage in activities on your own that support those therapies.  Floating through life overlooking your emotional health until a crisis occurs is also not the best strategy.  As with physical health, there needs to be some prevention and maintenance to ensure emotional wellness.  Below are a few simple steps to start taking care of your emotional health.

Determine what brings you joy in life.  This is about identifying what you enjoy and being OK with it.  Be honest.  Do you like to sit at home and read a book while drinking a cup of hot tea?  Do you like to travel internationally and party with the locals until the early morning hours?   Is there is nothing in the world that warms your heart more than hearing your children laugh?  Once you stake a claim to what brings you joy, figure out how to make that a more frequent part of your life experience.  This may mean shifting priorities in terms of time management and finances, but the benefits in terms of your emotional well-being will be worth it.

Don’t get caught up in other people’s vortex of negativity.   While we like to focus on the power of positive thinking, it is important to remember the corollary.  There is power in negativity.  It is nice to believe your positivity can overcome the negative attitude of others.  In reality, that is only true when the negative person is willing to meet you half-way.  Trying to bring sunshine into the lives of those who are determined to remain bummed out can be a futile effort.  Let me be clear.  There is a difference between the occasional therapeutic vent and a constant doom and gloom perspective.  Some people are perpetually negative and even mean-spirited.  Spending time in that environment is not without repercussions on your emotional health.  A negative perspective has the ability to bring down even the most Pollyanna among us.  Particularly when you are trying to get your own mind right, it is beneficial to scale back the self-pitying folks in your world.  Don’t be dragged into their downward spiral.  

Stop doing the things you hate doing.  There are dreaded items on everyone’s to-do list.  Sometimes the best thing to remove the dread is to relocate the items to someone else’s list.  The most important part of any to-do list is that the activities get done, not who completes them.  Taking into account cost and feasibility, some tasks need to be outsourced.   It could be as small as buying the birthday cupcakes from bakery instead of making them or as large as having someone cater Thanksgiving dinner.  Some things are still being done by you simply because it has become expected.  It may be time to modify the expectations of the people in your life.  Admit you were wrong in thinking how much fun it would be to tend the lawn when you bought the house.   Hire someone else to do it.  While many solutions involve a fee, in the end you may come out ahead from the perspective of time better spent on other activities.   You may also avoid the financial burdens associated with the coping mechanisms you currently employ to deal with the stress of yet another thing to accomplish.  For the benefit of your emotional well-being it may be worth the investment. 

Don’t always be available.  This comes down to valuing your own time.  Other people respect your time when you teach them it is to be respected.  Some of us fall into the trap of saying yes just because we can’t think of a “good” reason to say no.  It can be an honor to be asked to participate in a project or to attend a function.  However, “no” can still be an appropriate response.  Once you have established yourself as the safety valve, other people learn to wait you out when a task arises.  Whether it is agreeing to chair a committee at your child’s school or to pick up extra call as a physician, don’t feel like it always has to be your duty.  You may end up harboring bitterness towards others simply because they choose to exercise the same right of refusal you have.  Just because there is a space in your schedule does not mean it has to be filled with other people’s priorities.  Time is precious and using it wisely is a key to emotional health.

Be grateful.  How well we deal with most situations in life is a matter of perspective.  Approaching life with an attitude of gratitude helps us to handle its difficulties as well as its blessings.  Recently, I heard a sermon about gratitude which brought up two important points I’d like to share.  First, comparison deactivates the desire to appreciate.  It is very easy to be unappreciative of good things in your life if you are constantly measuring them against what others have.  Second, gratitude begins where entitlement ends.  Thinking something is owed to you tends to make it feel less worthy of thanks.  One way to maintain a grateful spirit is to regularly count your blessings.  Whether it is every day, every week, or even just once a month, writing down at least one thing for which you are grateful automatically puts you in a better head space.  Also, knowing you are going to put it in writing causes you to be more conscious of things for which to be grateful.  Try it and see if there is an effect on your emotional well-being.

Initially, some of these tips may seem like a license to be selfish.  However, consider how you would feel if the same advice was being given to someone you love instead of to yourself.  Remember the first step in emotional health is loving yourself as much as anyone else.