NEW SITE

Thank you to all who have been following the Essence of Strength blog at this site.  The blog has been relocated to the Essence of Strength website and can be found here http://www.essenceofstrength.com/blog/.  I look forward to connecting with you in our new space.

Be well,
Jattu

CHECK YOURSELF

Most of my adult life has involved existing with some level of exhaustion.  The problem with this is it set me up to normalize that sensation.  I don’t immediately recognize it as sign of disordered wellness the way one would a rash on the skin.  

Thankfully, these days I notice more quickly when I am veering off the wellness track.  The challenge is to determine whether it is just an episode of overtiredness or if I am ignoring the basic self-care habits I have set up for my life. 

Lately, I've noticed myself slipping into a consistent energy drain mode.  It made me remember that the path of well-being maintenance has no end.  Life is constantly changing so my methods to approach it need periodic modification.

In order to keep up with life’s curves I’ve learned to do a simple self-check when I am feeling out of sorts.

1.  SEE the truth about my current situation. 

Am I just having a crazy, busy week or have I overscheduled myself into a never-ending cycle of giving with no rest or renewal? 

Am I just being overly emotional about a particular disagreement or is this conflict representative of a pattern of dysfunction in a relationship?

To quote GI Joe, “Knowing is half the battle.”


2.  SEEK ways to improve my wellness status. 

If I see that adjustments need to be made, I have to figure out how to make that happen.  It may be a long-term plan with various milestones.  It may be an immediate drastic change. 

The key is to have the courage to make the decision to change instead of convincing myself I don’t see what I see.

3.  SEIZE my unique life purpose. 

Before I act on any decisions, I determine if it is in line with what I have determined to be my unique life purpose. 

This is where I have erred in the past.  I would see that a change needed to be made and I would make one just for the sake of being proactive. 

Although I tried to be purposeful, I didn’t have a good sense of what that purpose was.  I was much more vulnerable to doing what other people thought was a good idea for me. 

Now I seek out change that is purposeful for me.

4.  Those first three steps are all done in order to SUSTAIN my overall sense of well-being. 

In the past, I have been subject to falling into and out of wellness habits depending on the circumstances.  Now I feel capable of withstanding the changing tides of life with my well-being intact.

What is your process for ensuring you stay well?

BE STILL AND JUST BE

Sometimes I just need a little time to be.  Spending time being still centers me.  Whether it is called quiet time or meditation it is good for my soul. 

Many of us rush around so much we don’t take moments to be at one with ourselves and our surroundings. 

This is why yoga used to stress me out.  There was so much quiet and deep breathing.  I had no patience for all that. 

The stretching was nice but the perceived edict to be calm had the effect of making me tense.  I didn’t realize the fact I couldn’t stop my brain from racing was a clear sign I needed a mental time out.

Now I’ve recognized how important quiet time is.  I specifically set aside time for it. 

This time is distinct from Bible reading, journaling and exercise.  Those activities help me disconnect from some of life’s daily drama, but my mind isn’t able to completely release.

There is a level of conscious alertness that must be maintained to read, write or dodge cyclists on a path.  It’s not simply being in the way I need in order to clear my mind.

It is my experience that emptying my consciousness of everything can have two results.

When I am living life on purpose, setting my mind free takes me to a better place than I started.  I trust my spirit to do its thing, and I end up getting more clarity on how to sustain my wellness.

Wonderful things can happen in that stillness.  Sometimes there are powerful epiphanies.  Other times it is just a chance to marvel at how awesome the world is when I’m not messing with it.

However when I am ignoring my authentic truth, my spirit tells me about myself when I give it that opening to share.  I am forced to acknowledge the parts of my life that are clearly not on purpose for me.  It is still powerful, but it’s not necessarily the happiness and light one associates with meditation.

Back when I gave no thought to living on purpose, I saved up all my reflection time for vacations.  I knew it wouldn’t be fun and I didn’t want all that angst disrupting my normal day-to-day activities.   

If I got super bummed out on vacation, I could counter it with a day of skiing, hiking or sitting on a beach.  It kept me functioning but hardly thriving.

Nowadays, I’m not adherent to any particular meditation technique.  Over time, I’ve learned how to empty my mind, relax and tune into my spirit regardless of the environment.  

The change came when I got to a place where I trusted the truth that comes out of the stillness.  I no longer have to be on the defensive against what will happen when I go there.  Even if I don’t love it at the time, I know it is my truth and meant to keep me in line with my purpose.

The beauty of my life these days is striving for a consistent sense of well-being.  This keeps me from being afraid to sense my being.  I find comfort in stillness because it keeps me true to myself. 

I urge you to give it a try.  See where your spirit takes you when you let it lead.  Take a few minutes to be still and just be.

HOW DO YOU RELATE?

It seems I am supposed to be learning something about improving my personal interactions this month of May.  

My pastor is in the middle of a teaching series about practical ways to have better relationships. 

One of my coaching colleagues has been offering weekly challenges based on the life area of relationship.  

I personally chose to do a meditation on Romans 12.  This chapter of the Bible is all about how those of us who claim to love God are supposed to behave, particularly towards one another. 

All of this has made me think deeply about how I treat others and how I want to be treated in return.  I had planned to write something about what I’ve been learning in this week’s blog…then Maya Angelou died. 

As I read tributes to her and saw her quotes posted all over the internet, I realized Dr. Angelou had already said a lot of what I was thinking.  

There is no question her life experiences rendered her much wiser than I.  It seemed to me that sharing her thoughts on relationships would be more fitting right now.  

Here are some of my favorite quotes from this phenomenal woman about how to treat one another:

“I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”

“While I know myself as a creation of God, I am also obligated to realize and remember that everyone else and everything else are also God's creation.”

“Try to be a rainbow in someone's cloud.”

“If you have only one smile in you, give it to the people you love.”

“If you find it in your heart to care for somebody else, you will have succeeded.”

“Love recognizes no barriers. It jumps hurdles, leaps fences, penetrates walls to arrive at its destination full of hope.”

STRENGTHEN! SWEAT! STRETCH!

It is mentally and physically difficult to get conditioned after a prolonged break from exercise.  Your body feels foreign in that it is more weak, tired and slow than you remember it being.  Your mind is baffled by how weak, tired and slow your body is. 

You kind of just want to sit on a couch and eat ice cream instead of actually working out. 

The good news is since you have been fit before you have some sense that it is possible.  Less exciting is the reality of actually getting back to that level of fitness. 

When I came back to exercise after abdominal surgery, I made up my own regimen of strengthen, sweat and stretch.  This got my mind and body back into the routine of exercising three times per week while incorporating the essential components of fitness. 

Strengthen.  One day I did resistance exercise.  I did two sets of each exercise working the major muscle groups.  I performed a combination of free weight and bodyweight exercises.  Since I bore easily, I also used the TRX suspension trainer for more variety in my bodyweight exercises.  It was nice to feel my muscles get stronger.

Sweat.  Another day I did some form of cardiovascular exercise for at least 30 minutes.  Many people know I am a fan of a Beyonce Dance Party workout.  I’d just put on some Queen Bey and shake it like someone forgot to put a ring on it. 

More traditional cardio like walking, running, or the elliptical machine got mixed in also.  Running was humbling for me because I was slow and easily winded.  I had to remind myself the important thing was to get my body accustomed to moving for an extended period of time. 

Stretch.  The third day, I just focused on stretching each major muscle group for at least 30 seconds.  I am a fan of yoga, particularly Bikram, for the stretch day because it incorporates a bit of movement with the stretch.  This was a nice active recovery from the resistance and cardio.

This schedule was intentionally low-key and low intensity.  It was geared toward getting back into a workout routine more than getting into great shape quickly.  I had an incident with overexertion in my first postoperative week that scared me straight on not pushing it too early. 

Once the foundation was laid over a few weeks, I increased the time and frequency of exercise.  The key to getting fit is actually increasing the intensity of the workouts. 

Lift heavier.  Run longer.  Keep stretching. 

My main objective with exercise is to be healthy.  I had been fit in the past.  I trusted my body to get there again, but it was frustrating.  I know it must be that much worse for those starting to exercise for the first time.

Now when I am active in any way I appreciate the impact of my workouts on my body.  The squats strengthen my legs.  The runs improve my lung capacity.  The yoga helps me recover from both.

Listening to my body instead of freaking out about my measurements worked for me.  In exchange, God blessed me with the longest winter ever to get myself back into summer clothing shape.  Doing the right thing for yourself pays off sometimes.

I hope this encourages those who are working back from injury, surgery, or any extended break from fitness.  It is possible to come back.  As with everything under the sun though, it has to be the right way for you.

CHECK YOUR VISION

A lot of us are stymied in life by a lack of vision.  This manifests as flawed present and/or future vision.  Faulty present vision prevents us from clearly seeing what is actually occurring around us.  Lack of future vision makes us unable to conjure a different reality than the one we are living.  Both of these are problematic.

I like to think of myself as hopeful.  When I was unhappy during medical training, I kept believing everything would get better at the next stop.  I clearly saw that where I was didn’t fit my ideal, but I was assured by everyone it was coming around the bend. 

When I got into private practice, my present vision became clouded.  This was supposed to be the end point where all the dissatisfaction of training gave way to contentment.  When this obviously was not the case, I tried to convince myself the present wasn’t that bad.  

I was effectively putting scales on my eyes.  I needed to make the current situation seem better than it was because I couldn’t conceive of how to improve it.  My lack of future vision affected my present visual acuity.

We all do this on some level as a survival mechanism.  I totally get that.  However, it tends only to work short-term.  Eventually our spirits rip the blinders off and show us clearly, “This is some nonsense right here!”

We are forced to acknowledge that where we are is not good.  This is when the vision of a better future has to kick in.  And this is where a lot of us stall.  We make no change and complain about being in the same rut. 

We allow fear to keep us from dreaming of that best case scenario.  It seems impossible or unrealistic or too simple. 

For some of us, if the first place we see something is in our own minds we don’t feel it is valid.  We have to understand that just because we have never seen it in the real world doesn’t make it unachievable.

When I left medicine I knew I needed a new vision.  Eventually, I learned to expand my mind to the possibilities available to me in all aspects of my life.  This took some time and help from others. 

Rather than trying to fit myself into some pre-fabricated scenario, I learned to pick and choose what works for me to make the life I want.  I like what I see in my present and I am excited for what is coming in the future.

So, how’s your vision?

REINVENTING A CONTROL FREAK

I am a control freak…or at least I used to be. 

Whatever discipline, effort and commitment didn’t occur in me naturally was conditioned by the process of medical training.  You would be hard-pressed to find a physician without some control issues. 

When I decided to stop practicing medicine I tried to embrace being more carefree.  In reality, my time as a free spirit was more like a vacation.  It was nice to visit, but I wasn’t comfortable living there.

My personality is suited for schedules, lists and checkboxes.  I quit practicing medicine, but I didn’t stop being the person who became a physician. 

My naturally diligent tendencies have served me well in the past.  They can continue to do so in the future.  Here’s what I have learned so far.

I am very determined.  Once I decide to do something I am exceptionally good at powering through and staying on task.  

Many people think the most common characteristic among doctors is intelligence.  In fact, it is a scary level of determination. 

There is a drawback to this type of determination for me.  It can lead to feeling stuck when I’m trying to figure out my next step.  My resolve to follow through on my decisions ends up putting too much importance on every single one. 

My determination has sustained me through some difficult times in the past.  The first sign of a challenge does not send me running away from something I really want. 

However, I’ve had to learn not to be paralyzed by the prospect of being wrong about where to apply that dedication.

I like having a plan.  It is logistically simpler to be determined if one has an explicit plan. 

Medical training was nice for that.  Everything had a delineated order starting with the MCAT and ending at the first job after residency or fellowship.  All I had to do was keep my focus on the end goal.    

Unfortunately, having such tunnel vision can prevent recognition of when it is time to bail.  It doesn’t allow for alternative options if the original plan is in total conflict with my spirit. 

It also blunts creativity if I just want to switch things up a bit.

Nowadays I still prefer to work with a plan.  Having one helps me feel secure, even if it is just a framework from which to freestyle. 

However, this plan is always subject to revision when it makes sense in my spirit to do so. 

I like doing things my way.  My methods have been pretty effective at generating positive results for me over the years.  

I do not force my way of doing things on others.  I just stick with what I think works best for me. 

This becomes problematic when others offer me unsolicited advice.  It is hard for me to accept it since I don’t have the same data on their outcomes as I have on mine. 

I’m also less inclined to take suggestions that seem more self-serving to the tipster than beneficial to me.  Although, I’ve learned there is some merit in recommendations derived with no consideration of my point of view. 

When it comes to getting tasks accomplished, my perspective has served me well.  However, there are areas of my life that are more about being than doing.  These have benefitted from an outsider’s take. 

Several times I only took a new approach to my own well-being because someone else pointed out how crazy my way was.  

My way is good, but not perfect.

I take responsibility.  I always consider the repercussions my decisions have on other people. 

Even if negative consequences are unintended, I always take stock of what my actions may have done to precipitate them.  Similarly, I also think about how my inaction may have caused undesired outcomes. 

This can get a bit heavy on the head.  It was particularly burdensome when I was practicing medicine. 

Responsibility can be an inconvenience but it shouldn’t be oppressive.

Also, taking control of certain situations may rob others of the opportunity to step into the fullness of their capabilities.  The greatest good is rarely served by stifling the maturation process of another.

I believe it is good to be a responsible, caring adult.  People know they can trust and depend on you. 

However, I have to remember my part in any result, good or bad, is usually not as great as I take credit for.  I am not God.

These days I prefer to consider myself conscientious rather than a control freak.  The same qualities that made me feel restricted in the past have been reimagined to support my unique Divine purpose. 

Now my life is not about being in control, but rather discerning how to use my God-given traits to maintain my authentic joy and peace.

Shout Out to OBs

This week is the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists annual meeting in Chicago.  Knowing the meeting is happening made me think about my time in the specialty.

Speaking specifically on OB, it is so difficult to express honestly to patients what we do.  The role of the OB is to keep moms and babies from dying and being damaged.  That's the job!

Everything else we do (deliveries, ultrasounds, routine prenatal care, chatting about breast pumps) is in service of that goal.  Bringing new life into the world is a big part of the job.  That's what's worth enough to keep us doing it, but it's not the real job.

People who downplay the role of the OB focus on uncomplicated deliveries.  They are correct in saying there doesn't need to be doctor at every delivery.  The OB is there to decrease the chance of death or damage when other birth attendants don't have the skill to do so.  When a home birth goes awry, the patient comes to us.  That's what we do.

I don't mean to be morbid, but now that I don't take care of patients anymore I am less censored on this issue.  It worries me to see good doctors be burned out by the real job all the time.  I just want to tell my fellow OBs I know and I appreciate your efforts.

You don't have to like your OB (or even have an OB), but at least give him/her the credit for what the job is.  If you do like your OB, tell him/her.  It really does make a difference.

WISH VS. DESIRE

What do you want?

I am a fan of semantics.  I believe in using the proper words to convey the intended meaning.  One word whose true meaning befuddles me is want.  The Merriam-Webster definition of the word want is - “have a desire to possess or do (something); wish for.”

Personally, I’ve always used want in the pre-semi-colon denotation.  If I want something, I have a desire for it.  That desire is expressed by effort on my part to obtain it. 

It seems we as a society use the definition after the semi-colon more often.  When folks say "I want" they mean "I wish I could have".  It’s a subtle distinction but it makes all the difference in how successful we are at getting what we want.  

As a life coach and personal trainer, I hear people say they want to have a better job, to be better managing their money, or to be in better shape.  Many times, in reality, they wish for those things because they recognize they could be beneficial. 

There is not actually a real desire to make these things happen.   This is why the choices they make can seem inconsistent with what they claim to want. 

One complicating factor is not wanting what we think we want.  We focus on a red herring instead of what we actually desire.  Then, we aren’t pleased when we get what we wanted. 

Having struggled with this issue myself, I enjoy helping people clarify what it is they truly want in order to figure out how to achieve it.  Everyone is unique but there are some general truths about fulfilling one’s true desires.

Desire is just the first step.  Eventually we have to take action to achieve what we want.  

We don’t always take children seriously when they claim to want something.  This is because we know kids are apt to think verbalizing a desire is all that is required to get what they want.  They don’t realize there is work necessary to satisfy a wish.  

As adults we know action must be taken to get something worthwhile. 

It is possible to stroll pleasantly along in life without much effort.  However, that type of unintentional living leads to a place that is fine, but not particularly fulfilling.  Getting something we truly want usually involves combining desire with purposeful actions. 

We will probably have to give up something we like to get what we want. One of the difficult parts of being mature adults is recognizing we may not be able to have everything we want at the same time. 

This is not to say we have to sacrifice everything we enjoy for the sake of one goal. 

However, the morning mocha latte may have to be swapped for home-brewed coffee while credit card balances get paid down.  Cupcakes may have to be put on hold in order to get the body fat percentage under control. 

We have to establish priorities.  Even if it is only short-term, some discipline is required to get what we want.

Everything we have to do to get what we want is not going to be fun. Gaining proficiency is somewhat humbling on the front end. 

When we were in grade school learning to play instruments or to speak foreign languages we expected to stumble over those first scales or mangle the conjugation of some verbs. 

Somehow once we become adults we forget about the learning curve.  We figure we should be immune to having to struggle to do anything we want because we have already acquired so many other abilities. 

Learning to manage money or to establish a consistent workout schedule is a new and challenging skill for some of us.  Getting better means sticking with it.  Commitment is what carries us through the moments that aren’t so fun.

Getting what we want is awesome.  It is remarkably satisfying when effort, discipline and commitment get us what we really want. 

We often put limitations on what we want because we worry the up-front investment isn’t going to pay off.  This is where faith comes in. 

We have to believe in ourselves and our capabilities to get what we want.  We also have to trust what we are striving to achieve has value.  When we do and it all works out, it is amazing.

Now think about it again…what do you really want?

WHAT'S THAT YOU'RE DRINKIN'?

I will preface this post with the admission that my recent discovery of the joys of Bikram yoga has made me very conscious of hydration.  For those who don’t know, Bikram yoga is a 90 minute session of 26 postures done in 105 degrees Fahrenheit and 40% humidity.  It’s really hot and it’s impossible not to sweat…A LOT!  That being said, I feel the need to comment on the fact many Americans don’t drink enough water.

When I went to a natural hairstyle I remember reading a lot of blogs about the best way to maintain moisture in coarse hair.  There were all sorts of concoctions involving oil of this and butter of that.  The most easily applicable thing I remember reading was the best ingredient to provide moisture to hair is water.  All the other stuff is just to make sure the water remains there.  I feel the same principle applies to hydrating one’s body.  Start with water.  In the USA, we have the clean drinking water for which a lot of the world literally dies.  We should use it. 

Here are some things to consider:

Dehydration makes you feel bad.  The human body is composed of 60-70% water.  When we don’t have enough of it, normal physiological processes take a hit.  We feel fatigued.  We get headaches.  Our toes go numb when we exercise.  Our urine looks crazy!  The recommended amount of fluid to drink per day varies depending on who you ask.  The Institute of Medicine says roughly 3 liters of beverages for men and 2.2 liters for women at baseline.  This should be increased when engaging in vigorous, sweaty exercise.  I personally think that most of the beverages should be water.

If you never exercise vigorously, just drink water.  The best way for most people to hydrate is to drink plain water.  Not all physical activity requires a post-exercise electrolyte infusion. Sports drinks are designed to replenish carbohydrates and electrolytes lost during vigorous exercise.  Gatorade was developed to help football players in Florida stay hydrated during practice.  Drinking some after a stroll through the neighborhood where we barely break a sweat is a bit of overkill.  Water will do the trick.

Don’t overestimate the hydrating effects of non-water beverages.  Coffee, tea, and alcohol do provide water to the body.  However, both caffeine and alcohol have diuretic effects.  This increases the body’s elimination of water.  No matter how watered down the drink tastes it’s not as hydrating as a glass of water.  I personally love coffee and have a large mug every morning.  However, I don’t give it full credit in my hydration equation since I know the effects on my kidneys make it almost a zero sum situation.

Rethink the legitimacy of the excuses you are using to explain away drinking too little water.  A complaint I often hear is that adequate water consumption causes frequent trips to the bathroom.  Not to be obnoxious, but that’s a pretty lame obstacle to such a simple wellness habit.  Another excuse I’ve heard is that water has no flavor.  This was an issue for me until I started squeezing lemon juice into water to make it less bland.  This got me into the habit of hydrating.  Nowadays I always have a water bottle with me that I refill throughout the day.  This enables me to avoid the cost-of-bottled-water issue.  Despite the propaganda of the bottled water industry, most of us can drink the tap water where we live and work.

Drinking water helps avoid a lot of unnecessary calories.  Pretty much everyone I know who has significantly decreased or completely cut out soda and alcohol consumption has lost at least 10 pounds.  That little anecdote is completely unscientific but I believe in it.  Weight loss is a multifactorial endeavor but this is something I have seen be effective a number of times.  Drinking calorie-free diet soda is not without weight gain issues either.  Recent research suggests artificial sweeteners increase appetite.  The body is expecting to receive calories when it tastes something sweet.  When it gets the sweet without the calories the brain gets confused and you get hungry.  Again, just drink water.

I understand it can be challenging to maintain adequate hydration consistently.  My method is to keep track of fluid intake throughout the day.  I try to drink at least three containers full of my 24 ounce bottle each day.  If it is 2 pm and I haven’t finished the first bottle I know I am behind.  I also start each day with at least eight ounces of water to prevent getting to midday without having anything but coffee.  That typically works for me but everyone is different.  Try to figure out what system works best for you, especially as we enter the heat and humidity of summer.  Once your kidneys adjust to the hydration program, you’ll feel better overall.

IDENTITY CRISIS

I spent the vast majority of my life wanting to be, training to be, then working as a physician.  This made it very difficult to separate who I am from what I do when I stopped practicing medicine.  The struggle was especially great since I had no particular new identity to embrace at the time.  The doctor mantle never fit quite right but it least it gave me covering.  Now I had to go out and define myself.

Leaving medicine the way that I did presented another interesting situation.  People thought of me as this brave person.  However, I never felt I lived up to the cool courageous woman people conjure when they hear my story.  Brave people do things that scare them.  I wasn’t scared.  I just didn’t want to be miserable anymore.  Quitting medicine seemed to me like a common sense decision more than an act of valor.  I was pretty sure the brave persona was not going to work for me either.

Eventually I accepted my identity comes from within, not what others think of me.  Once I determined what was important to me, the rest was about being true to that.  How other people perceive it tends to be as much a factor of what they need to see in me as what I am exhibiting.  Figuring myself out is a never-ending process but here are some general principles I’ve learned so far.

The key is to be genuine.  Regardless of circumstances, my life tends to stay on the rails when I am honest with myself.  At my basic level, I love God, I love exercise, and I love helping people.  I love God because He loves me in a way that models how I should love others.  I love exercise to relieve stress and stay fit.  I love helping people to feel useful and of service.  These core aspects of my life combine to allow me to like who I am and how I treat other people.  The best version of me will always involve a manifestation of all these whether it is as a physician, a wellness consultant or some profession to be named later.  Neglecting any one of them would be creating a false identity for me.  It is important to figure out what is essential to being you.

Don’t be what someone else thinks you should be.  Many well-meaning, yet misguided, people offered me suggestions on everything from how to remain in medicine to how to build my wellness business.  They didn’t necessarily value what I value, so their ideas didn’t really apply to me.  Trying to conform to what other people think is best for you means being defined by external influences instead of your own heart.  It only leads to frustration and resentment for all involved.  Being a better version of yourself may require some adjustments in the way you do things.  However, improving yourself never means losing the essence of what it means to be you.  If that is happening, it’s not really a better you. 

Don’t be afraid of what you can be.  One challenge I faced in forging my new identity is distinguishing whether it was lack of interest or fear keeping me from trying something different.  Especially for those of us who have charted out our lives since our teens, it is natural to be nervous about the unknown.  However, fear should not be the only thing holding you back.  This is where being responsive to your intuition is important.  For instance, I don’t run marathons because I have no desire to run for more than one hour, not because I don’t think I am capable.  On the other hand, I started my own business.  It is a completely novel and challenging experience, but it does not frighten me because it is in line with my authentic self.

Stay close to the people who love you regardless of your identity.  One thing that has become evident to me through all this is who is in my corner.  Someone asked me recently if my family supported my decision to leave medicine.  The best way to explain it is they gave me space to determine what I need without judgment.  I am very fortunate.  My family and closest friends don’t totally get what I am doing, but they know I am happier than I used to be.  They are concerned about my welfare but never push me to do anything or be anything I am not comfortable being.  They trust me and my process to lead me where I need to be.  Whether it is changing careers, ending a relationship or starting a new fitness regimen, sometimes you just need someone to be kind to you while you define it for yourself. 

I still don’t have a succinct answer for my new identity.  That pleases me.  It means I am not letting myself be put into a box.  Like every human being I am a complex individual who manifests differently to different people.  What is important to me is that through whatever lens people view me, they see truth.  That is the most anyone can ask.